


Easier To Believe A Lie

by startrekkingaroundasgard



Series: Pride Prompts 2020 [11]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hugs, LGBTQ Themes, POV The Doctor (Doctor Who), Thirteenth Doctor Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24768958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startrekkingaroundasgard/pseuds/startrekkingaroundasgard
Summary: After a family dinner leaves the reader rattled, The Doctor takes her on a trip. However before they can enjoy the beautiful view, The Doctor realises that something is wrong. She listens to the reader's sorrows and does what she can to ease her suffering.
Relationships: The Doctor (Doctor Who)/Reader, Thirteenth Doctor & Reader, Thirteenth Doctor/Reader
Series: Pride Prompts 2020 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768873
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Easier To Believe A Lie

"Where are we going?" You tossed your coat over the nearest hexagon and took a seat on the stairs, fingers curled around the nearest rail to steady yourself during the flight. Regardless of how it seemed, what with the shaking and jolting and occasional explosion, The Doctor _did_ know how to fly the TARDIS - you simply took the view that it was better to be prepared for the unexpected, a fair assessment seeing how often trouble seemed to find her. 

The Doctor might have taken offence at your lack of belief in her piloting abilities if your demeanour wasn't so… domestic. She loved how naturally you took your place by her side, no hesitation, no seconds thoughts. You made yourself at home in her TARDIS and there were pieces of you everywhere she turned around the ship to prove it: souvenirs you'd picked up during your travels, bags pre-packed for each and every kind of climate, your favourite books on her shelves. Each time she saw something new, it filled her hearts with joy. 

You'd only been gone for a few days but The Doctor had missed you tremendously. Her ship had felt so empty without you. Too quiet without your thoughtful chatter and soft laugh and talking to herself didn't have the same effect. Without your warm smile the console room felt cold, a chill settling in her chest that not even her thickest, fluffiest jumper could counter. 

But thankfully, as she frequently reminded you, the major benefit of having a time machine was that you could skip the boring parts - there were so many of those - and jump straight back into the action. And that was exactly what she intended to do. 

She flipped the blue switch, twisted a knob and slammed the swirly lever down, all before you sat down. The Doctor caught the custard cream that dropped from the dispenser and took a bite, the sweet sugary cream in the centre coating her tongue. These truly were the greatest biscuit. Grace be damned, she shoved the rest in her mouth and then asked, "Where do you fancy?"

"Somewhere far away. I don't care where."

The Doctor grinned. These were her favourite kinds of trips; eyes closed, course set at random, fate in the TARDIS's hands. This was why she travelled, for the excitement of it all, and it was all the sweeter to have you there by her side throughout. A beam of light, that's what you were. A beautiful, shining star wrapped up in a wonderful human body. 

Perhaps you were on to something, The Doctor considered, as she stumbled during the landing. Narrowly avoiding cracking her skull on the nearest crystal pillar, she pushed her hair off her face - she'd never had that problem as a man; although, come to think of it, she definitely had with all those floppy fringes and annoying strands that would never quite stay where they were supposed to - and offered you her hand. "Ready?" 

Your hesitation was minuscule, barely a millisecond, but The Doctor caught it nonetheless. Her steps faltered as you pulled her towards the door. Had she done something wrong? Left you too long on Earth? She caught the TARDIS screen as she passed; definitely the time and date you'd agreed on together. She wasn't accidentally three weeks late like last time.

Were you upset because she hadn't offered you a custard cream? She definitely had before, she was certain of it. It couldn't be that, surely. Although, last month, she had seen you sneaking a biscuit from the dispenser. That had to be it then. She'd been too frugal with her snacks and now you were going to leave her.

As you stepped out onto the alien world, The Doctor distracted herself for a moment by determining your location. The atmosphere was thinner than Earth's and tasted slightly salty. Maybe they were by an ocean but… No. The large trees that hung overhead, fat purple trunks covered with furry orange butterflies, sung a beautiful tune as the wind blew through the branches. There were only three planets with plants like that and none of those had oceans. 

She crouched down and tore a handful of red grass from the ground. It tasted bitter, definitely one of the worst things that The Doctor had eaten this week. At least she knew where you were, though: Xydriaz. Nice planet. Good choice by the TARDIS. If she was right, and she almost always was, the planet was moving into spring and the emerald oceans would be absolutely beautiful. 

Discreetly spitting out the grass, already anticipating the expression on your face - oh, she had lost count of how many times you'd told her not to eat the local foliage - The Doctor instead found you staring blankly at the large butterfly. Fair enough, she supposed. They were beautiful creatures. But as it flew away and your gaze remained fixed on the spot where it had sat, The Doctor grew concerned once again. 

No doubt sensing her eyes on your back, you spun around with a bright smile on your face and leant against the tree, arms folded across your chest. Your bright eyes met her gaze and that light she loved so much faltered, treacherous tears welling up as you bit so hard on your lip that it bled. That was when she realised what was going on. Stupid Doctor. It was so obvious that even a Martian rat could have puzzled it out. 

If there was one thing that The Doctor understood better than anyone else in the universe, it was the desperate, overwhelming desire to run. Oh, sure, there was the fun kind of running. Hopping between galaxies, chasing away monsters and racing from place to another because there was just so much to see, so much excitement in your chest that you couldn't sit still for a single moment. 

The other kind of running, though… The kind brought about by a fear so deep that it drove you to the deepest, darkest corners of space and time just to get away; the kind driven by anger and hatred, the need to be as far from the problem as possible because you were scared of the damage that you might do if you stayed… The Doctor knew that feeling too well. 

For the space of a breath, time slowed mercifully around The Doctor as she considered her options. If she were in your place, the last thing she'd want would be to talk about it. All that pain and hurt and anger had been locked away for too long to risk opening that particular box, even for a moment. Given an opening, she feared that it would burst out and the knowledge of what the Timelord had suffered would kill you eventually. If the consequences of past encounters didn't take you out straight away, the burden of carrying her sins would be too much for your poor human heart.

You weren't her, though. That in itself was terrifying. It was a path that The Doctor tried incredibly hard to prevent her mind from travelling down, the constant reminder that you were only human. You were so fragile despite your unfathomable bravery and impossibly large large heart, perhaps because of them. 

In all honesty, The Doctor wasn't convinced that she would be able to give you what you needed - a kind voice to tell you that it was all okay and that the darkness wouldn't take you; she might hide the truth from you now and again but she never lied - and it broke her hearts to have you stare at her this way. Like she as your life preserver, drifting away on the waves, floating away out of reach and leaving you to drown. 

She suddenly found herself wishing that those morals she prized so highly were more flexible, that they might give her scope to burn everything in the universe that made you hurt. In that moment, the lengths that she considered going for you terrified her. 

The Doctor pushed her concerns aside, locked them away for another time, and took your hand, time returning to its regular flow around her. You stumbled into her, arms immediately looping around her neck as you hung on to her for dear life. The tears you'd been holding back began to fall and heavy sobs wracked your body.

She guided you down to the ground, arm still tight around your shoulders, wishing that she was better at this. Some human emotions were so easy to deal with; joy, fear, rage. They were simple, primal and easily shared or overcome. But sadness was so much more complicated, so difficult to shake that The Doctor feared she would only make it worse. 

Someone should write a manual, she thought, as she held you, gently running her fingers over your arm, each brief touch seeming to settle you further. That would be quite helpful, indeed. However, humans were, as she'd noted before, complex and each was unique so unless a Watcher had taken a particular interest in you she supposed no such book would fall into her lap. Better play it by ear, then. 

"Would a custard cream help?" she asked, still half hoping that the biscuits were the root of your problem. Easily remedied, if that were the case. The Doctor was willing to give up her custard creams for a month if it meant you'd smile at her again. 

Unfortunately, you didn't smile at the query - although, incredibly selfishly, The Doctor was quite chuffed that it meant she got to keep her custard creams. Focus, she chastised herself. Best friend crying, definitely not the time to think about eating. Yet, despite that, as you tore the red grass from the ground, she found herself advising you, "Don't eat it. Tastes awful."

At least that earned her a small smile, even if it was more of a broken grimace. Shrinking beneath her gaze, you wiped your eyes, defiant as ever, and stared out into the forest. Your face softened as a large bird swooped over the path, graceful and dangerous, and for a moment it was easy to pretend that everything was okay. You were simply enjoying the view, not in the midst of a crisis. 

"I had dinner with my family while I was home."

"That's nice. Families are nice." Your face dropped. Wrong thing to say, then. The Doctor quickly changed tact, attempting to cover up her mistake with what she hoped was an understanding nod. "Or not. Definitely not. What happened?"

"The same thing that always happens. All the necessary 'how have you been?'s and 'tell us about your travels' bullshit that no-one really cares about because it makes them feel awful about their own life. I thought I escaped it this time but it came up eventually: my love life."

"You have one?"

That came out a little ruder than she'd intended, even though it was meant more in surprise; after all, your time was spent pretty much entirely with The Doctor, save for a few weekend trips back to Earth, and unless you were picking up aliens every time she turned her back she had no idea how you could possibly fit dating into your packed schedule. 

She ignored the pang of relief when you answered, "No! And that's the point."

Searching your face for any indication of how she was meant to react, unfortunately finding none, The Doctor said gently, "I'm sure you'll find -"

You threw your hands up in the air and hissed, "Don't you dare finish that sentence." 

Definitely not the right response then. Again. Before she could rectify her latest mistake, you pushed her off of your shoulder and started to pace. Far stronger than she appeared, the shove didn't hurt the Timelord at all but it did ramp her concern up to its maximum setting. In all the time you'd travelled together, she had never seen you like this. 

"I'm sorry." You clawed your hands down your face with such force that The Doctor truly feared you were trying to tear away the skin. Thankfully your hands fell to your sides and you slumped against a purple tree, angled just far enough to hide the new tears as they trickled over your cheeks. "I shouldn't have shouted at you. I just… No one understands. They never do. They think that they're being helpful, that it might cheer me up in some way. It never does, though. It only makes me feel worse."

"Help me understand. Please."

"I've never dated. I've never felt attracted to anyone and I have no interest in being in a relationship. Sometimes, it's easier to pretend that it's because I'm selfish. I'm too busy doing my own things to put someone else through that. I like my own space and would only neglect a partner. It sounds good, doesn't it?" You smiled bitterly, the harsh line out of place against your soft features. 

No longer caring that your eyes were red and puffy, you turned back to The Doctor. You were looking directly at her but she knew that you weren't seeing her. It was a blessing, really. If you were, you'd see her hearts breaking. 

You sighed and continued, "It's easy to believe that they'd eventually get annoyed that I'm never around and leave anyway. So I'm sparing them the pain. Being decent. I know what I want from life and I don't see why I should have to alter my plans for someone else. It's an easier solution, a choice I've made.

"But then someone will say, 'Oh, you'll find someone that will love you anyway' or 'just wait until you find the right person and your priorities will change'. My parents do it all that time. It doesn't matter that I've told them over and over again. I have literally spelt it out to them and they still manage to reach the wrong conclusion." 

Shuffling over, the red grass leaving a bright stain across her coat, The Doctor rested her hand over yours. "It's okay. Not feeling those sorts of feelings. Normal, actually. For a lot of species. Timelords included. Sex is only something we choose to do and most don't."

Something soft flickered across your expression and The Doctor wondered how many times people had brushed away your sexuality as nothing. Unfortunately, unsurprisingly given how she suspected you'd never voiced these particular thoughts, your anger was quick to resurface.

"That's different, though. Sex and relationships aren't an integral part of your society. But you've spent enough time on Earth. Everywhere you look, there are companies selling love and sex. Relationships are held up as a measure of a life and I could do remarkable things - I _have_ done remarkable things with you - but all people will ever see is someone that never settled down, never did life the 'proper' way and missed out on the one thing that supposedly makes us human."

Your tears were falling again now, harder than ever, and The Doctor lifted her hand, wiped them away with her sleeve. She cupped your face, tilted your head forwards so that your foreheads were touching. A hand slipped behind your neck and she just held you like that for a very long time.

This close, she couldn't help her conscience from drifting, nudging at the edges of yours. All of your emotions spilled over into her mind and it was awful. So much pain, locked away and pushed down, ignored in the same hopeless techniques that she used to avoid permanently suffering as the dark thoughts dragged you down into a place from which there was no returning. 

"Do you enjoy travelling with me, Y/N?"

"More than anything."

Your admission filled The Doctor with joy, the sparks of which flickered momentarily to you too. But then she had to open her mouth and bring you down again. "Surely that's what is important, right? We have fun and have a brilliant life together. What other people say doesn't matter."

"I know that," you muttered, unconvinced. So unsure of it yourself, there was no chance that The Doctor wouldn't pick up on that lie. "It still hurts when they look at me and see someone who is broken. How can I live a good life knowing that everyone around me feels sorry for me or thinks that I have failed somehow? I can't help being this way. I sometimes wish that I was different but -"

"Don't you dare try to change. Listen to me, you are wonderful. You are so, so incredible and you always will be. Regardless of what you were brought up to believe, you do not need romance or sex or anything you don't want to be happy! Because happy is doing the things you love and enjoying your life. It's being able to look yourself in the mirror and smile because you are content and you are free."

The Doctor smoothed your hair, plucked a few stray leaves from the strands and held your gaze, willing you to understand. If only you could see yourself the way she did. "There is no hole in your heart. There is nothing wrong with you or missing from your life. Except maybe a sentient toaster but I can build you one of those. If you want. I mean, why wouldn't you want one? They're so cool. Always fun to talk about thermodynamics or dinosaurs over breakfast. You know, I've got one somewhere on -"

You raised your brows, a silent gesture to bring her back on track. The Doctor nodded sheepishly, ran her fingers through her hair as she thought for a way to sum up the insane amount of words she had just thrown at you. "You aren't broken, Y/N. There is nothing wrong with you. Meet someone, don't meet someone. Spend your life travelling with the wind, settle down somewhere. So long as you follow your passions, the rest doesn't matter. It is your life, no one else's, and the songs that the universe will sing about you… Oh, they will be beautiful regardless."

You pulled her into a hug and buried your head in the crook of her neck. "Thank you, Doctor. For everything."

"Anytime" she said as you pulled back, a heavy weight on her chest. Gift of the gab though she did possess, The Doctor wasn't foolish enough to believe that her words had calmed all your worries. It would take years to overcome them but that was time she was more than willing to share with you. 

Distraction was what you needed now, though. Something fun and maybe, ever so slightly dangerous, to remind you that living was the only point of life. She jumped to her feet, dragging you up with her, and asked "So, do you fancy a dip in the lake? There shouldn't be any piranhas this time of year. Maybe we should try and find the lost temple of Driazyx. It was supposed to be the most amazing structure in the quadrant before the forests overtook the planet. I'm sure I've got a map somewhere in the TARDIS."

"Or," you suggested, taking her hand and starting off down the path. "We could just walk and see where the road takes us?"

"Sounds like a plan."


End file.
